If you have been wondering how to arouse and get that woman you’ve been crushing on hooked on you, then this is what you need to know.
You may have heard that the surefire way to arouse a woman is to “make it all about her,”, but that’s not a self-serving message. It takes us girls more time to get to the same place, and we rely on your help for that. You’re our hero, in the bedroom and out. So here are some things to add to your lovemaking arsenal beyond your white horse and your ahem lance.
10) Don’t overlook ambiance –I’m the first to admit the bed is often left unmade, providing a nice nest for the cats. My husband leaves clothes piled in the corner. But take time to make the bed, light a couple candles, turn on some music you both enjoy for lovemaking, and please clean up that hideous hairball the cat left in the corner. Make your space sacred and special – you’re going to be doing something sacred and special for one another in it, and setting the scene will also get you in that “slow and savor” mode.
9) Personal Hygiene – My grandfather called this “donning the courting breeches.” When dating a woman, a guy will religiously brush his teeth, comb his hair, check his clothes. He would NEVER belch, pass gas or pick his nose around her (unless she particularly likes those little things – memo: most of us don’t). While we don’t have to be 100% on our best behavior when we’re in a relationship, it should be at least as important to us to behave that way with the love of our life as it is to behave that way at work or when interacting with the girl behind the Starbuck’s counter.
8) Help Out –I’m going to let you in on the number one way to arouse ME. Clean my house. Seriously. Women out there handle A LOT. Full time job? Kids? House? Pets? Finances? Blah blah blah… Yes, you’re busy too, but it doesn’t affect your sexual performance quite as significantly as it does ours (though I do think the wave of Viagra prescriptions has more to do with all of us being too busy to take the time for meaningful sex than it does about men with ED – hmm, subject for another column – Ten Unnecessary Reasons to Use ED Drugs). Do not believe what you see in the movies – an uptight woman is VERY difficult to arouse. If she has twenty things to do before she can sit down and pay attention to you, help her do ten of those, and see how she reacts.
Okay, I need to insert a message for the ladies here – if he’s trying to do this for you and doesn’t do things perfectly, please don’t jump on him like a monkey on a cupcake (one of my favorite Everyone Loves Raymond lines). Be delighted that he tried. At the proper time you can give him some constructive direction on how to do it better. Mutual respect and kindness are the bedrock of any good relationship.
7) Take control – This often applies to service-oriented women. During sex, we’re thinking about what might please you. It’s hard to turn it off. However, blindfold and order her to hold onto the headboard while you kiss or caress her in a slow, savoring kind of way (see #2 – make her feel like you’re enjoying every inch of her flesh, not just “those” parts). You can loosely tie her wrists if she’d like that, but often the psychological restraint is all that’s needed. Now she can relax, because you’ve given her permission to simply enjoy, not requiring her to do anything else but focus on her own arousal. That means you’ve centered her mind, one of the hardest things for us busy females to do. Sex is one of the few things we cannot enjoy to the max while multi-tasking. Help us think in a linear way, and our libido increases.
6) Open communication – Encourage her to tell you what she likes and doesn’t like in the bedroom, and when she does, take it as an opportunity to do better, not withdraw and get sullen. Look at it like the way you look at a challenge at work. If the boss says this project could be done better or the customer wants this, you strive to make that happen and feel pretty good when the customer is pleased. In this scenario, she’s your customer, and you want her expectations exceeded. Believe me, your benefits and compensation will increase accordingly!
5) Be genuine/interested –Many romance conferences feature cover models who work the crowd. While they are beautiful eye candy, the ones who do best with the readers are those who make a woman feel they are genuinely engaged by her conversation, who will laugh and play with us and have as good a time there as we do. The TV commercials that use cookie cutter male models saying cheesy, monotone things to a woman about her plumbing really don’t turn us on. Think about the recent Subaru commercial with the guy holding the cardboard signs to help his girl get through the bike marathon. If I was her (and not completely exhausted), I would have crossed that finish line, gone right past the cookie cutters and jumped that skinny, geeky guy. Be genuine and interested in her, in and out of the bedroom, and you’ll reap the benefits inside it.
4) Talk to her – Years ago, I woke to find my husband gazing at me while I slept. He reached out, touched my face, and said, “you’re so beautiful when you’re sleeping” in this quiet way that overwhelmed me, because he really meant it. Yes, we LOVE to hear what you’re thinking when you’re touching us. I know this is not the male strong suit, but you do not have to turn into Wordsworth. Simply saying “I love how soft your skin is” or “you smell so good” or “I was thinking of doing this while I was at work today” means a lot to us. Now, when you reach the crazy passionate part, she might even enjoy a little dirty talk, but gauge that the way you do the touching.
3) Her mind is her most important erogenous zone – Yep, I’ve said this before, so it obviously applies to women and sex a lot. You guys are so lucky. I was at a Pure Romance toy party recently where the rep was discussing female masturbation. She noted how little women know about what’s between our legs compared to men. You all play with that thing from birth, so you can arouse yourself in zero-to-light speed like there’s an ignition button. Our genitalia are far more mysterious to us, and to make it more complicated, what works one time might not work another. My guess is that’s because our minds are involved in it, and a woman’s mind has to reach a certain place for maximum effective arousal. So if you employ #1 below (slow slow slow), you’re doing more than touching her. You’re sending a message. “You’re worth taking my time; I find you so lovely I don’t want to rush this; I want to touch you everywhere.” There’s a reason we go gooey when we read that kind of thing in romance novels!
2) Stay away from “Those Parts” as long as possible – When you get started, the least responsive parts of her are the ones you want to go for first. A friend of mine calls it “running the bathwater” foreplay. Put your hands up in front of you and imagine you’re adjusting the hot and cold knobs (her breasts). Now drop one hand and run it under the faucet water (between her legs). Yep. DON’T do that. I know you love those pink parts, but I promise, if you take your good old fashioned time getting there, she will be very excited to have you playing with them at the proper point.
There is a great exercise in Tantric sex where you focus on every part of your lover’s body except genitalia and nipples. You can caress, stroke, kiss, nibble, massage everywhere but there. And not in a distracted, I’d-rather-be-touching-your-pink-parts way (yes, we can tell). Focus on the non-pink-parts like you’ve never had the opportunity to touch those places before (if you’ve been doing the running-the-bathwater method, you may not have realized she had all that lovely skin and curves in other places). Put a lot of time into those romantic, drowning kisses, too. Special note: Women are very sensitive above the shoulders. Face, mouth…ooh, the throat. Why do you think vampires turn us on? The throat is key to a lot of fantasies. Surrender, vulnerability…
As you’re touching all the other places, watch her responses. When she wants you to go faster (aka move closer to pink parts), you’ll see it in the urgency of her body language, her breathing, etc. In short, learn to pay attention to all the details as you arouse your lover, and whenever in doubt, go slower. A great way to ease into this is to start by giving her a full back massage. Ask her to get naked and lie down on the bed, then focus on relaxing her entire body. Your touch can get more sensual as you progress – again, note her body language, the way she rises up into your touch, etc.
1) Go SLOW. SLOW SLOW SLOW – if I could get away with making all ten choices a repeat of this one, I would, because it is the #1 key to successfully arousing a woman. In fact, think of #1 and #3 as umbrella topics under which all the others fit.
TV, movies and even the genre I write and love—erotic romance—project the idea that what will attract or arouse a woman are six pack abs and lots of money. Yes, most of my heroes do have six pack abs and are well-off, but that’s a romance novel thing, not a real life requirement for a great sex life.
Remember that message at the beginning, making it all about her? At heart, what that means is she needs to feel cherished, loved and the center of your attention when you get physical. Then it doesn’t matter if you have six pack abs or a wad of cash. If she loves you the way you love her, she’s going to respond to your focus on her needs and arousal with a generously passionate response, a way she doesn’t respond to anyone else.